You’re probably wondering why the heavens you should pay attention to anything I say, so let me break it down.
Why hello there! I’m Emily and I’m so glad you’re here. I am a 25-year-old Bostonian, originally from beautiful (and yes, it really is beautiful) Rochester, NY.
I’ve always wanted to start a blog, to write little snippets for the web that I can call “my own.” In the past I’ve hesitated because I’ve felt my ideas weren’t good enough and lacked a central theme. Then something big happened, and by big I mean life-changing.
Six years ago, I developed an eating disorder.
“Developed” makes it sound like something that just “happened” and to be completely honest – it kind of did. I don’t know exactly why I started hating my body or why I suddenly thought I wasn’t good enough, but binging and purging became my escape – hence the diagnosis of bulimia.
But it didn’t all start there.
In my last few months of high school I dropped from a size 6 to a size 00 – because I was stressed, afraid of change (high school to college) and ultimately “out of control.”
I must pause here for a minute, to explain that I never intentionally meant to lose weight. I didn’t have an initial desire to lose weight and I had never given much thought to how much I weighed or should weigh. I thought nothing of eating multiple pop tarts before cheerleading practice and on Friday Family Pizza Night I could easily eat 5 pieces without batting an eyelash.
I never wanted to not eat … I just couldn’t. I literally had no appetite.
But along with extreme weight loss came the feeling of being skinny, abnormally skinny. My clothes no longer fit and I began thinking it was “cool.” My ribs were visible when I wore a bikini and my collar bone poked out from under my skin. Naturally this drew some attention and I liked it. In my mind, becoming skinny equaled attention and attention meant I was perfect. Looking back I have most certainly been on a quest for perfection my entire life.
When I finally started college, I learned that I “fit in” just fine. I naturally regained my appetite, started eating and of course – started gaining weight back. Which freaked me out. I was convinced the only reason I was so happy was because I was skinny. So I attempted to stop eating, which only led to binging … and then purging. Unable to differentiate what eating too little or too much looked like, I gave up. Eating anything and everything and then sticking my finger down my throat was way easier.
And I continued on with that mindset for a little over a year. Don’t get me wrong, I knew what I was doing was crazy and unhealthy and damaging. But it was also addicting and relieving and a release.
There’s a lot that’s happened between then and now and a lot that I’ve chosen to leave out because that’s where this blog comes in. As Told By Emily is my new outlet, my optimistic approach at life, my healing mechanism.
So far, it’s been so good. Yet each day presents a new struggle (or the same one) that I must find a way to tackle. The only alternative is to go back to being “sick,” and although I may not know much – I do know that’s not something I want for myself anymore.
I want to be healthy, I want to embrace my body, I want to love myself. I’ll be honest, I’m not 100% there yet. And I don’t think I ever will be. 100% is unattainable for me … but being happy and content isn’t. Loving life isn’t it. And so that’s what I must aim to do. That’s what I’m hoping, praying, begging myself to do everyday.
And that’s what I’m sharing with you … life, as told by Emily.
I am currently in recovery (for the most part) but new struggles introduce themselves every day. In many ways, this blog has allowed me to begin healing. I feel like I’m slowly but surely finding “myself,” as cliché as that may sound.
It’s amazing to me that after 23 years of life you can still be so unsure of who you are and what you want to do, but I do know one thing – I want to give back to the world – to those who’ve struggled and to those who have it good. To those that have an eating disorder, body image issues and/or are brainwashed by the society we live in.
As Told By Emily is where I share my thoughts, my revelations, and the lessons I’m learning one day at a time. I hope that what I come across can help you too, as I believe loving ourselves may be the ultimate key to happiness.
Now if only we could all figure out how to do that.
Join me on my journey?