I’ve never been more excited for a fresh week. If you read my post last Monday, you know that I was not in the best of moods. Unfortunately, that pretty much continued for the remainder of the week.
Hello, Sunday! I’ve needed you. And hello, SUNSHINE! I’ve really needed you.
I’ve been trying to understand why I’m feeling so blah lately and honestly, I just don’t know. I’ve got a ton of free time, now that marathon training is over and heavens – I’ve forgotten what that feels like. Free time = a lot of thinking.
The best conclusion I can come up with is this: I miss the routine of having to run, I miss not really thinking a ton about what I’m eating (because I’m running so much) and I hate that I’m starting to get re-obsessive about working out and eating healthy because I don’t want to “lose” my hard work.
Actually, let’s get real for a second. Here’s my super honest conclusion: I’m worried that my body is going to change in a way I don’t like (aka weight gain), because I’m not running so much. This is a great example of how even though I consider myself in recovery for my eating disorder, body image issues still haunt me on the regular.
I went on a run today and when I got tired, I stopped. About three miles from home, I told myself it was time to clear my head. I’d walk home and think.
Here’s what I came up with: acceptance. I’ve decided there has to be an element of just accepting that things are going to change. Maybe I’ll gain weight and maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll never be able to run long distances again and maybe I’ll run another marathon. Things aren’t always going to look a certain way or be a certain way and that’s OK. It’s easier, if you just accept it. It’s not sustainable to always be training for a marathon and all throughout training, a big part of me just wanted my “normal” life back.
Well hello, Emily – here it is!
Honestly, once I came to this realization, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been so scared of what’s going to happen to my body that it’s literally been consuming me. Just accepting that there’s a big possibility for change verses OMG how do I keep that from happening, likely saved me from a downward spiral.
Weight gain or weight loss does not make me who I am and what really matters is how I treat myself and those around me. I think I just need that constant reminder these days. That’s OK, I’m confident I’ll reach a point where it’s second nature again.
But in the meantime, here are three things I’m going to work on reminding myself, when my thoughts start wandering back to those eating disorder-related behaviors:
File certain things away as SH!T that doesn’t matter.
I was in a yoga class yesterday, at a studio I’ve never been to before. I love yoga, but I’ll be the first to say that I don’t think I’m particularly good at it. Which is fine with me, I’m there for the stretch and the sweat. When it comes to arm balances and head stands I’m all for giving it a try, but I don’t beat myself up when it doesn’t happen.
So when this came up in class yesterday, the instructor coached us to give it a try. She added that if we don’t want to try it or can’t seem to “get it,” who cares. Who freaking cares. It doesn’t matter. None of these poses matter. She said to literally file it away as SH!T that doesn’t matter. Instead, she said, what does matter is what happens when you’re out of the studio – when you’re going about your life, interacting with people and working towards your goals. Are you a good person? Are you a kind person? How do you treat those around you? How do you treat yourself. That’s the hard work. That’s the tough stuff. That’s what does matter.
And I love this. I really, really love it. Because I’ll be the first person to get caught up on not being able to do something. But at the end of the day, who cares?! I can guarantee it’s only me. So from now, those moments are getting filed away as things that, in the grand scheme of things, don’t matter.
It’s fine. You are fine.
I was also at a Soul Cycle class yesterday. This came pre-yoga at 9:30am and after a not so good night’s sleep, I was struggling.
Soul Cycle and struggling don’t mix in my eyes, you’re supposed to be riding to the beat of the music, in rhythm with everyone around you. I always worry that it’s obvious when I’m “off,” (sh!t that doesn’t matter) , but yesterday I was so beyond tired that worrying would have actually meant I had energy.
During a particularly tough hill climb the instructor started repeating over and over that, “it’s fine.” At first I wanted to scream back, “NO IT’S NOT!” but I’m guessing that’s a Soul Cycle no-no (I don’t completely get all of the SC rules, but I know they exist). Anyway, how dare she think it was fine! How dare she think I’m fine?! Does she know how much I didn’t sleep last night? Does she know it’s raining again? Does she know nothing feels right?!
No, she didn’t. But as she kept saying, “It’s fine, you are fine, in this moment you are fine,” I realized she was actually right.
I was fine. Fine doesn’t mean great and fine doesn’t mean bad. It’s neutral and it was accurate. I was fine. I was alive, I was there and I was moving.
Instead of reverting to, “I can’t do this,” or “This is the worst,” in the future, I’m going to try and remind myself that it’s fine. Not everything is always going to be amazing or feel amazing and that’s OK. Those ideal moments wouldn’t feel as great if we experienced them 24/7. It’s okay to be “fine.”
Just show up.
I’ve actually always had a really hard time with this idea. It’s something I feel like I hear people say a lot and I’ve never hardcore gotten it. I’m pretty sure the logic behind the phrase is even if you can’t give something 100%, just show up. Be there, try it, don’t make an excuse or ignore it.
I’m the #1 culprit of backing out of things because I don’t think I’ll look OK (sh!t that doesn’t matter), be OK, do something right, etc. I’m very good at psyching myself out and cancelling at the last minute. To think of all of the things I’ve missed out on …
ANYWAY, it’s time for me to just show up. I feel 100% better when I’m active, around people and has there ever been a time I’ve regretted trying something new? No.
Whether it’s a work-out class, social event, being there for someone, etc. The best thing you can do is just show up. Put yourself out there. Be committed. It’s always going to make you feel better.
So in this time of change (laughing because I feel like this sounds so dramatic), I’m re-introducing myself to self-love.
Because I’m actually very fine, half of the stuff I’m worried about doesn’t matter in the long wrong and as long as I’m showing up, I’m doing OK.
Accept it, Emily. Accept it.